The Lord speaks to me in various ways, one of them being my dreams. Since childhood, I have had detailed dreams and the ability to remember them upon waking. A couple of nights ago was no different as God once again spoke to me quite clearly.
It started on the living room floor, an eight-year-old little girl and I. We were coloring, only she was coloring alone as I was doing other chores around the kitchen such as tidying up. One at a time, she pulled out marker after marker and made a bigger mess on the floor. Once finished, she called me over to see her picture and I gave it minimal attention. Instead of asking for any help to put her markers away, I began completing the chore alone.
Once clean, we moved outside to the front porch. We both took a seat in the porch chairs. In front of us was a sturdy table with a basket full of books and two logs. The little girl asked me to read to her. She chose a book from the basket, the one on the end. I noticed that she hadn't perused any of her options, flippantly choosing it. A moment passed, and she asked me to read to her again. Once more, she passed me the same book. This pattern repeated ten or fifteen times. I realized she was not going to consider any other options, so I questioned her motives. Her reply was that she didn't want to know how anything else ended. She was content to have the storyline of the "flowergirl" book memorized, and she would continue skimming through that book.
Also at the child's home are several birds, all various sizes. The birds are allowed to fly two at a time around the corner of the home and return on their own. Their flight path has been predetermined, just around the side of the home. We are sitting in a deep mist outside, to the point where vision is blocked more than 20 feet in front of you. It brings with it a deep humidity, almost tropical feeling.
The little girl chooses two birds to release, and they now make their way back to the perch. She picks them up, one on each finger, and returns them to the house. Now it is my turn.
As the birds are gone, I ponder the differences between the creatures. One is light as a feather with a tiny beak and all tan in color, just a touch of gray on both wings. The other is a huge mocking almost owl-like creature. the feet on this one are soft, weathered. It doesn't have any claws, weathered by the storm. It's jaw is a little strange for a bird; it has teeth as well as a beak but is undeniably a bird.
The birds come back and take their perch. The girl waits as it's my turn to put them inside. I put the chirpy small one on my left forefinger and attempt to load the large owl on my right. I just watched this child able to do so, but I begin tottering around on the porch. The owl is so heavy, I can't lift my arm. The act of it throws me into circles to regain my balance, meaning chirpy is flapping her wings quickly and leaves the scene just as fast.
We stay in this counter-act for several circles, me trying to regain balance, now moving in even bigger loops. It isn't helping. This bird has me weighed down. I can feel myself failing. I try lifting my arm at the shoulder to get the bird off my finer, encouraging it to fly so I can balance myself. It mocks me with the look in its eye. In anger, its beak reaches out towards my other hand and bites me. The child squeals, "is the bird really biting you?" Now we continue to spin, one arm weighed down, the other hand being bit, the owl never lifting a wing to fly.
As my dream came to an end, I realized the revelation of the symbolism as God opened my mind to it. In the beginning of the dream, He revealed my innate nature: an inability to ask for help in situations where I feel overwhelmed. My heart may be in the right place, but I still need to learn to ask for help as a sign of maturity and humility. The detail of taking only a glance at the picture His child had taken delight in shows my inability to delight in others first, something else I need to work towards.
The middle of the dream revealed a deep mist, or unknown future and unrevealed plans. God is faithful and has given me clarity within my dreams. He has not yet given me an exact direction or plan for the present time, but asks me for patience in His perfect timing. The books on the porch represent my dreams and goals. Only the last dream was ever tapped into. God asks me for His trust as He shows me what my dreams can become, and those other books can be opened. Simultaneously, He asks me not to settle, as He allows me this time to lean on Him.
God chose a child to play my counterpart as an honest evaluation I need to make within my life. The birds represent different parts of my life right now. The small chirpy bird is missed opportunities and my inability to live life in the present moment over the past year, as my brain was too quick to be somewhere else. It was a deep-rooted sin problem as I sought to make my own plans greater than the Lord's. On the other hand, the owl represents life itself, weighing me down and trying to pick up all the brokenness myself. It wouldn't fly off because it wouldn't offer me another option but living with what God has given me now. I couldn't lift it myself because God desires for me to plug into my church and community for help.
Immediately after Mercy Ships called me and rescinded their invitation to serve onboard with them, I wrote them a thank you note. God is about to make all my dreams come true, whether that revelation comes through my dreams and allows me to dream greater, or that dream comes through the form of moving me beyond the idea of what I thought I always wanted but might never do.
Wednesday, January 18, 2017
Tuesday, January 10, 2017
Wrecked by Dreams
Why is it important to dream and what does that even look like? In a capitalistic society, it looks like the world defining you. Getting caught up in the hustle and bustle is labeled as the "American Dream". The idea of this is ludicrous.
We are crafted by a loving Savior not the image of our society. This is not to say Americans can't be united under the image of God, nor is it to say we can't be likeminded in faith or influenced by our cultural habits. Impossible! We are deep-rooted in our culture, and the opposite is true. However, if we allow our identity to be formed by our country or government rather than our Creator, we miss the point of our soul.
For instance, I often have people tell me I am a nurse. In conversations and ice breakers, people want to know who I am. Or do they…
When asked, "what do you do?", they don't want to hear, "I manage and divert crises, optimize patient care, advocate for the broken, have compassion over all of them, pray with the lost at bedside. On my day-to-day routine, I'm victimized by families and doctors yet I will respond with grace." No, they want to know my profession, not to know me.
That's a real shame because on January 6th I was told 15 hours before I should have left with Mercy Ships that I was no longer eligible to serve. What society would tell me is my purpose no longer exists. But I serve a bigger God, one who accepts my combative spirit with loving arms until I melt into His embrace. He softens my heart until I change my perspective and refuse to fall into this devastating trap society would rather me believe. I may no longer be serving onboard Mercy Ships as a pediatric nurse but my purpose and potential are not reached.
This is my beginning: yet learning how to dream. When I cannot explain why not Africa, I'll explain why not dream instead. God is good. It's irrevocable and irrefutable and my entire soul believes in His sovereignty.
Recently, I was challenged to "go somewhere weird and dream" by my greatest mentors. As I reflect atop a rooftop in downtown Phoenix, I hear kids splashing in the pool behind me and planes flying overhead. God is calling on my heart in new ways, some yet to be defined.
His timing is perfect, though not always what we would do. Admittedly, 15 hours before an intercontinental trip isn't what I would do to cancel but it begets attention. Should it have been canceled months prior, the previous emotional seasons of my life would have looked different and I wouldn't have quit my job. These are truly blessings in disguise.
I had the privilege to dream with my fiancé Jordan in a way we wouldn't have otherwise. I watched care, love, support and mercy pour out of him as God taught him both how to lead and serve me. As if that isn't enough, during this time, serving together became our dream as Jordan took on a role volunteering with the CCV Students' Ministry alongside me. We dreamt of missions together and both served as coaches on the Mexico missions team.
While it may require a change in perspective, I still became Benin. God has been most faithful in showing me this. I became Benin for a year as I prepped to serve God overseas. The posture of my heart did not change; He just needed me elsewhere more. #becomingbenin
My lifelong goal has always been to help people. Now I know God will wreck that as He makes me new in His image. He will reveal to me how to dream and what it looks like to apply those dreams for His glory. Helping people is just the tip of the iceberg, for He will make my paths straight, declaring the plans He has for me (see Proverbs 3:5-6; Jeremiah 29:11). There's a certain level of excitement in the unknown. It's not perfect, which is great because neither am I.
We are crafted by a loving Savior not the image of our society. This is not to say Americans can't be united under the image of God, nor is it to say we can't be likeminded in faith or influenced by our cultural habits. Impossible! We are deep-rooted in our culture, and the opposite is true. However, if we allow our identity to be formed by our country or government rather than our Creator, we miss the point of our soul.
For instance, I often have people tell me I am a nurse. In conversations and ice breakers, people want to know who I am. Or do they…
When asked, "what do you do?", they don't want to hear, "I manage and divert crises, optimize patient care, advocate for the broken, have compassion over all of them, pray with the lost at bedside. On my day-to-day routine, I'm victimized by families and doctors yet I will respond with grace." No, they want to know my profession, not to know me.
That's a real shame because on January 6th I was told 15 hours before I should have left with Mercy Ships that I was no longer eligible to serve. What society would tell me is my purpose no longer exists. But I serve a bigger God, one who accepts my combative spirit with loving arms until I melt into His embrace. He softens my heart until I change my perspective and refuse to fall into this devastating trap society would rather me believe. I may no longer be serving onboard Mercy Ships as a pediatric nurse but my purpose and potential are not reached.
This is my beginning: yet learning how to dream. When I cannot explain why not Africa, I'll explain why not dream instead. God is good. It's irrevocable and irrefutable and my entire soul believes in His sovereignty.
Recently, I was challenged to "go somewhere weird and dream" by my greatest mentors. As I reflect atop a rooftop in downtown Phoenix, I hear kids splashing in the pool behind me and planes flying overhead. God is calling on my heart in new ways, some yet to be defined.
His timing is perfect, though not always what we would do. Admittedly, 15 hours before an intercontinental trip isn't what I would do to cancel but it begets attention. Should it have been canceled months prior, the previous emotional seasons of my life would have looked different and I wouldn't have quit my job. These are truly blessings in disguise.
I had the privilege to dream with my fiancé Jordan in a way we wouldn't have otherwise. I watched care, love, support and mercy pour out of him as God taught him both how to lead and serve me. As if that isn't enough, during this time, serving together became our dream as Jordan took on a role volunteering with the CCV Students' Ministry alongside me. We dreamt of missions together and both served as coaches on the Mexico missions team.
While it may require a change in perspective, I still became Benin. God has been most faithful in showing me this. I became Benin for a year as I prepped to serve God overseas. The posture of my heart did not change; He just needed me elsewhere more. #becomingbenin
My lifelong goal has always been to help people. Now I know God will wreck that as He makes me new in His image. He will reveal to me how to dream and what it looks like to apply those dreams for His glory. Helping people is just the tip of the iceberg, for He will make my paths straight, declaring the plans He has for me (see Proverbs 3:5-6; Jeremiah 29:11). There's a certain level of excitement in the unknown. It's not perfect, which is great because neither am I.
Sunday, January 8, 2017
Bon Voyage
#BecomingBenin. #HaveMercy. #MercyShips. I smiled to myself as hashtags floated through my mind. On January 7, 2017 I was scheduled for departure to the West Coast of Africa for so far the greatest adventure yet: joining Mercy Ships aboard the Africa Mercy as a missionary pediatric nurse.
If you know me well, my dream is not to serve as a nurse overseas, rather to help those in need. To literally be God's hands and feet for the powerless and oppressed, empowering God's people by bringing Him glory. As it says in Romans 10:15, "How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!"
For nearly two and a half years, specifically one concentrated year, I researched and begot information regarding the application process of Mercy Ships. I waited in my role at Phoenix Children's until I met eligibility to apply, gathered the necessary letters of recommendation and turned in a completed application in December 2015.
In January of 2016, I met my now-fiance. From the get-go, I spoke openly about the time I would spend in Africa. As the Lord worked it into Jordan's life, it became our story. Throughout the entire process, Jordan prayed with me, stuck by my side and was as faithful to my dream in Africa as I was.
In February of 2016, I was diagnosed with seizures, "nonepileptic" the doctors told me. Hospitalized for Superbowl weekend, I knew God was about to do something big. And He delivered. I fell in love with Jordan within the next six weeks as he sternly told me he wasn't going anywhere.
In April of 2016, I was officially accepted onboard Mercy Ships and medically cleared. My dream had come true. I spoke to my boss immediately praying for her heart to receive the news openly. The Lord allowed me to see her receive it well and from there the plan was set. I would quit my job with a 30-day notice before taking off for Africa, and reapply upon my return to Arizona. I followed through with this in the time frame of mid-December, serving my last day as a Phoenix Children's nurse on December 20, 2016.
I prepped my heart, going through seasons where I literally did not want to go to Africa, particularly starting on Halloween after Jordan proposed and I started a season of wedding planning on top of prepping final details for Africa. However, God was faithful through it all and everything came together up until the last day. Literally, the last day.
On January 6, 2017, I received word 15 hours before I was scheduled for takeoff via conference call with the Chief Medical Officer that I was no longer medically cleared on the Mercy Ships side. Even though I had obtained proper medical clearance from my US doctors, they did not believe it safe for me to serve on board. Now, did I know God had His hand on this? Yes. Did I still have a hard time with it? Yes.
What is human nature if I sit here and tell you I accepted it with full grace and didn't feel hurt, pain, anger, disappointment? I felt and still feel all of these things. But I can also say with confidence that God is protecting me from something. His plan is greater than mine, and His purpose is bigger than mine.
Now, as I sit back in the valley, wondering where the Lord wants me next, I can't help but smile. He has greater plans for me, but as a planner, I can't see them. In fact, I can't see anything because outside of my amazing community of family and friends, nothing exists in my planner. There's nothing to write down, I'm always available, I don't have a job, and I can't schedule anything out.
I wave bon voyage to one dream, but I kiss tomorrow good morning as I waste no time yearning for new mercies on my soul (Lamentations 3:22-23). Thank the Lord He provides this to us each and every day. For as I've learned through His word, "we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose" (Romans 8:28).
God calls me to His purpose, even if it's not how I would do things. So I pray for peace and prosperity here and that I would not have blinders on so that my eyes would be open to the good.
If you know me well, my dream is not to serve as a nurse overseas, rather to help those in need. To literally be God's hands and feet for the powerless and oppressed, empowering God's people by bringing Him glory. As it says in Romans 10:15, "How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!"
For nearly two and a half years, specifically one concentrated year, I researched and begot information regarding the application process of Mercy Ships. I waited in my role at Phoenix Children's until I met eligibility to apply, gathered the necessary letters of recommendation and turned in a completed application in December 2015.
In January of 2016, I met my now-fiance. From the get-go, I spoke openly about the time I would spend in Africa. As the Lord worked it into Jordan's life, it became our story. Throughout the entire process, Jordan prayed with me, stuck by my side and was as faithful to my dream in Africa as I was.
In February of 2016, I was diagnosed with seizures, "nonepileptic" the doctors told me. Hospitalized for Superbowl weekend, I knew God was about to do something big. And He delivered. I fell in love with Jordan within the next six weeks as he sternly told me he wasn't going anywhere.
In April of 2016, I was officially accepted onboard Mercy Ships and medically cleared. My dream had come true. I spoke to my boss immediately praying for her heart to receive the news openly. The Lord allowed me to see her receive it well and from there the plan was set. I would quit my job with a 30-day notice before taking off for Africa, and reapply upon my return to Arizona. I followed through with this in the time frame of mid-December, serving my last day as a Phoenix Children's nurse on December 20, 2016.
I prepped my heart, going through seasons where I literally did not want to go to Africa, particularly starting on Halloween after Jordan proposed and I started a season of wedding planning on top of prepping final details for Africa. However, God was faithful through it all and everything came together up until the last day. Literally, the last day.
On January 6, 2017, I received word 15 hours before I was scheduled for takeoff via conference call with the Chief Medical Officer that I was no longer medically cleared on the Mercy Ships side. Even though I had obtained proper medical clearance from my US doctors, they did not believe it safe for me to serve on board. Now, did I know God had His hand on this? Yes. Did I still have a hard time with it? Yes.
What is human nature if I sit here and tell you I accepted it with full grace and didn't feel hurt, pain, anger, disappointment? I felt and still feel all of these things. But I can also say with confidence that God is protecting me from something. His plan is greater than mine, and His purpose is bigger than mine.
Now, as I sit back in the valley, wondering where the Lord wants me next, I can't help but smile. He has greater plans for me, but as a planner, I can't see them. In fact, I can't see anything because outside of my amazing community of family and friends, nothing exists in my planner. There's nothing to write down, I'm always available, I don't have a job, and I can't schedule anything out.
I wave bon voyage to one dream, but I kiss tomorrow good morning as I waste no time yearning for new mercies on my soul (Lamentations 3:22-23). Thank the Lord He provides this to us each and every day. For as I've learned through His word, "we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose" (Romans 8:28).
God calls me to His purpose, even if it's not how I would do things. So I pray for peace and prosperity here and that I would not have blinders on so that my eyes would be open to the good.
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